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Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
for Mark Norman!

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Hey, hey.

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Comedy, huh?

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We're really doing it, folks.

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Thanks for coming out. Good to be here.
Hey, how you doing? Nice to see you.

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Hey, good shirt. How are you?

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Cleavage. That's exciting.

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Hey, don't get weird. You brought it.

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All right.

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Here we are. Sorry, I got to work on
saying things to people out loud.

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Yeah, I got a problem. I just say what I
see.

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I think I'm autistic, but just like the
bad parts of it. Like I can't compute

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numbers or remember dates, but I'll make
you feel weird.

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Right? Like you drop a bunch of
toothpicks, I can't count them, but I'll

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you a shitty hug.

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I'm working on it, trying to get better.

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Flew here from New York. Man, I hate
flying. You know, they let you pick your

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seat on a plane. I think I'd rather pick
the person I'm sitting next to.

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I don't really give a shit where I am on
the plane. It's like a five -hour

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relationship. Make it more like a dating
app.

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Obese Nazi with a service dog?

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Swipe left.

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Tiny Asian lady with a surgical mask?

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That's my gal.

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Yes, she is not a talker, right?

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But just like a dating app, she shows up
with a baby. I'm like, ah, I got

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catfished.

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Hate the small talk. Two things I can't
do, small talk and eye contact.

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How sad is that, you know? I basically
have all the traits of a serial killer,

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just without the ambition.

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I'm working on it. People always say,
Mark, you've got to be more confident.

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They say, Mark, you've got to be
yourself.

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I'm like, well, you've got to pick one.

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I can't do both of those.

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Like, a lot of people are scared of
skydiving. I'm more scared of the banter

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the plane than I am jumping out of it,
you know?

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You sit in the plane, it's all windy,
you're strapped in. Some guy's like, so,

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Mark, where are you from? I'm just
like...

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It's like, we're supposed to go
together.

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I got it.

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At least with skydiving, you get an
instructor.

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What about stuff I'm bad at, stuff I'm
nervous about, like a dinner party? You

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know how many dinner parties I've
screwed up? Set me up with a pro.

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I just show up, some guy's like, all
right, I'll take care of you. I'm like,

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beautiful. He's giving me tips.

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Don't say the N -word. Got it.

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She's not pregnant. Don't ask.

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Thank God you're here.

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Some guy at the party's like, so who's
your favorite comic? I'm like, Bill

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Cosby. He's like, pull the chute.

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I'm working on it. I had a chatty Uber
driver last week. That's the worst, huh?

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This guy wouldn't shut up. I forgot that
the no small talk option on the app, so

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I'd get creative. I'd scare the guy into
being quiet.

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He's like, how about this traffic, huh?
What do you think's causing this? I'm

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like, probably the Jews.

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He's like... I'm like, all right. I give
this

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ride five stars of David.

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Yeah, I'm working on it, you know.
Always trying to get better.

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I'm a weirdo. That's why I drink. Big
fan of the booze. I got to cut back. I

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actually got let go from a job once for
being drunk at work.

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My boss called me and he goes, get in
here, Mark. It's clear you're a high

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-functioning alcoholic.

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I was like, wow.

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How do you know I was also high?

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This guy is good.

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One of my friends is like a beer expert.

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You know, he's like, we got to go to a
brewery. I'm like, why can't we just go

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to a bar?

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He's like, it's fine. You can see how
it's made.

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I don't care how it's made.

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Look, I like porn. I don't need to go to
a broken home.

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Not saying all porns are in broken
homes, just the ones I like.

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Seems like a lot of people are quitting
the booze now. It's kind of going away.

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All my friends are getting sober. And
look, that's good, but some people are

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better when they're drinking.

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There's a lot of bad sobers out there.

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We always talk about the negative part
about booze. What about the good?

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Like, sure, you drove through a
playground, but... You could dance, man.

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Come on.

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Trying to get better. I'm in therapy.
Anybody else?

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Hey, there you go. A couple people.
Yeah, yeah. I'm doing this thing called

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exposure therapy.

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That's where you face your fears. Scared
of heights? Takes a hot air balloon.

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Scared of drowning? Takes you in the
ocean. So he said, what are you scared

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Mark? I said, well, I'm claustrophobic
and scared of intimacy.

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So he took me in a little closet and
fucked me.

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Very expensive.

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Yeah.

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Why the stigma with therapy? Why? All my
friends make fun of me. I think it

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should be mandatory.

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Everybody works out their muscles. Why
not work out your emotions?

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I'll be hanging out with a friend. He's
like, all right, man, take it easy. I'm

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going to go work on arms and back.

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I'm like, cool. I'm going to go work on
letting go of the past and accepting

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love.

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Everybody loves the gym. Oh, the gym
makes me feel sexy.

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Well, you know what else is sexy? Not
being a walking red flag.

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Nobody cares about your abs if you're
the guy having a meltdown at Chili's.

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I think people respect the gym because
there's a culture behind it. You know,

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like gym rats.

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They have t -shirts that say beef mode
and better sore than sorry.

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Therapy people, we need t -shirts. We
need a shirt that says no dad, no

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Right? Or like can't stop, won't stop
crying.

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I could have used some therapy as a kid,
weird kid. Bed wetter, oh yeah. I wet

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the bed every day until I was 13 years
old. My mattress looked like a goddamn

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coffee filter.

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Woo -wee!

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I ruined a lot of sleepovers, folks.

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You start to run out of excuses after a
while. Your friend's like, what happened

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here? I was like, jeez, I must have
spilled a cup of piss.

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Yeah, they say a lot of bedwetters
become serial killers, which I believe,

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because we learn how to clean up a stain
pretty quick.

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That's how embarrassing it is wetting
the bed. I'd almost rather be known as a

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murderer than a bedwetter, you know?
Your friend sits on your mattress. Why

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it all crinkly?

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I'm going to kill you.

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But, hey, growing up now, 36 years old,
I grew up before the Internet.

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Maybe a better time for a kid. Maybe a
question back then. Hey, Mom, what's the

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capital of South Dakota?

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She's like, I'm on the phone.

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And you just didn't know.

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What a concept, not knowing. Now we have
so much information right there. Now I

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have an Alexa. I love this thing. An
Alexa is like a mom without the passive

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aggressiveness.

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Ask anything you want. Hey, Alexa, how
many cups in a liter? 4 .23 cups. All

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right. If I'm like, hey, Mom, how many
cups in a liter? She's like, why don't

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you check your mattress?

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Zing!

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That Alexa's tricky. I read an article
recently. It said Alexa actually listens

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to everything you say, stores it in a
database, could use it against you

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I was like, damn, just like a real
woman.

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Now I'm all nervous. Like, hey, Alexa,
what's the weather out there? She's

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why don't you ask Siri?

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Oh, boy.

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Here we go.

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Yeah, it's got to be hard to be a kid
now. I feel bad for kids. So much

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coming to kids. iPhone, internet, social
media.

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Remember how happy -go -lucky we were as
kids? Not a care in the world. Maybe

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running the car.

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Shotgun. That was like the biggest
problem in my life.

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Shotgun.

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Yeah, I never see kids doing that
anymore. The only time a kid yells it

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is in a classroom.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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School shootings. What a bummer, huh?

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Ah, the great American pastime. Yeah.

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School shootings are like the
menstruation of America. Happens about

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month. It's bloody and every kid goes,
well, I guess it's my turn now.

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Oh, I know. They're bad.

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I like how they're blaming the video
games. Video games cause violence. Come

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Video games don't cause violence. Video
games cause carpal tunnel and vaginal

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dryness.

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I know a lot of guys, they play eight
hours of video games a day. Their

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girlfriends are like, violent.

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Slap my ass. Choke me. I'm dying here.

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Look, I don't think games translate to
real life. I grew up playing Monopoly

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with my friends.

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None of them now own property.

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To be fair, some did go directly to
jail.

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That's, uh, we got problems here, you
know? Like, I just got back from Europe.

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They really make fun of us over there.
That's, like, all they do. Oh, you

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Americans, you're so fat.

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I'm like, yeah, yeah, we're doing great.

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Why is that a bad thing, how fat we are?
I think it's cool. It's impressive.

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More people die in America of obesity
than starvation, which is like, hey, we

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did it.

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How cool are we? We're dying from eating
food.

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We go up to heaven, some guy's like, I
starved to death. What happened to you?

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We're like, snack.

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Yeah, the McRib is back. What do you
want?

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He's like, well, how'd you lose your
foot?

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Frostbite? Nah, frosting.

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Yeah, we're fat.

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They're so high up on the food chain.
One of my friends, he only eats grass

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beef. You realize how crazy that is?
That means he gets to pick what he eats.

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That's pretty good.

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And here's the weird thing. Cows eat
grass.

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That's what we mess with our food. When
something eats what it's supposed to, we

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brag about it.

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That's like saying, hey, you know, my
four -year -old is sober.

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Get the hell out of here!

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What?

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Father of the year over here.

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Yeah, we're fat.

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All my friends are fat, mostly. My
family's fat. I grew up pretty fat.

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I try not to make fun of fat people
unless they make fun of me.

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That's when I let it go.

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All my fat friends give me shit.

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One of my fat friends told me I have
skinny privilege.

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Privilege? Something can't be a
privilege if you could do it too.

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I've known you my whole life. You used
to be thin.

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Privileges can't be attained by
exercising.

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If that were the case, then black people
would take a jazzercise class. They

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wouldn't get pulled over.

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It would be that simple.

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He always condescends to me. Oh, you're
so lucky you're thin.

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Lucky? You've got to work at it.

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It's hard.

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What the hell? You've got to eat right?
It sucks.

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Saying you're so lucky you're thin is
like saying you're so lucky you don't

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kids. No, no, I had food, and I pulled
out.

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He's like, whatever, it's easy being
skinny.

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Well, not really. You couldn't do it.

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Uh -huh.

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Uh, yeah.

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I read a news article about obesity.
They said they're thinking about putting

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microchips in obese people's brains. It
shocks them every time they think about

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food. I was like, if we have that kind
of technology, I feel like we should be

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using that on pedophiles.

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Why are we wasting that on chubs?

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I don't care about your candy intake.
I'm worried about your candy output.

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Priorities, people. Eat all the cupcakes
you want. Just don't touch little

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Debbie.

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Ah, pedophilia, huh?

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Any pedophiles here?

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I mean, statistically, there's got to be
two, right?

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But hey, we're all adults here, which is
a sentence they hate.

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You guys ever get down on your knees and
thank God you're not a pedophile?

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They didn't choose that. They got dealt
a bad hand. We're extremely lucky. We

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should be grateful. Think about how
close we all were. When I was in third

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grade, I was attracted to third grade
girls.

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Now I like adult women.

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When I was in third grade, I liked grape
juice.

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Now I like red wine.

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But I still like grape juice.

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Holy hell, that was close.

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Thank God my brain just knew the right
way to go.

228
00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:23,380
Woo!

229
00:11:23,710 --> 00:11:26,770
I just watched a documentary on
pedophilia with my friend. My friend

230
00:11:26,810 --> 00:11:29,030
I could never have sex with a kid.
They're so annoying.

231
00:11:33,670 --> 00:11:35,070
I was like, that's it, huh?

232
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:38,030
That's the thing that's holding you
back?

233
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,890
You need a better reason than that, all
right, buddy? It's like, hey, what

234
00:11:40,890 --> 00:11:41,609
happened to Greg?

235
00:11:41,610 --> 00:11:42,610
He went to prison. Why?

236
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:43,870
He met a really cool kid.

237
00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:46,570
That checks out.

238
00:11:48,150 --> 00:11:49,150
All right.

239
00:11:50,199 --> 00:11:52,980
Yeah, but it's good to get out of New
York. That city will eat you alive, you

240
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:55,340
know? Good to be here. I live in the
West Village of Manhattan, you know, a

241
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:58,460
cool neighborhood. The Gay Pride Parade
actually goes right by my house every

242
00:11:58,460 --> 00:11:59,460
day.

243
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:00,520
And, yeah.

244
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,440
I like a gay area. Gay guys are the
best.

245
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:05,020
Progressive, nonviolent.

246
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,780
You never meet any violent gay guys.
There's no gay gangs. That would just be

247
00:12:08,780 --> 00:12:09,780
musical.

248
00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:12,140
Any gay guys here tonight?

249
00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:14,480
Yeah. Hey, all right.

250
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:16,440
Thanks for coming out.

251
00:12:19,850 --> 00:12:20,850
Big fan.

252
00:12:22,570 --> 00:12:26,250
One of my best friends is gay. He's
obsessed with straight guys. That's like

253
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:28,270
thing, you know? He's like, I love
flipping a hetero.

254
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:31,050
He's like, you know how hard that is?
You know how hard it is to go out every

255
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:33,110
night, see a bunch of people you want to
have sex with who don't want to have

256
00:12:33,110 --> 00:12:34,110
sex with you?

257
00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:36,430
I was like, that's exactly what it's
like being a straight guy.

258
00:12:38,270 --> 00:12:39,630
What the hell are you talking about?

259
00:12:40,770 --> 00:12:43,090
I would argue it's just harder for me to
sleep with a woman than it is for you

260
00:12:43,090 --> 00:12:46,110
to flip a hetero. He was like, nah, nah,
nah, you have no idea. You got to take

261
00:12:46,110 --> 00:12:47,470
them out for hours to convince them.

262
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,000
Yeah, yeah, same here.

263
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,740
He's like, no, no, no, even if you do
pull it off, which is like a miracle,

264
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:54,740
feel horrible after.

265
00:12:55,420 --> 00:12:56,420
Yeah, yeah, same thing.

266
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,360
We went back and forth for hours,
arguing about this all night, back and

267
00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:03,060
Eventually, I woke up at his place.

268
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:11,200
Oh, yeah.

269
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:15,040
I went to the gay pride parade last
year. Still sore.

270
00:13:17,150 --> 00:13:19,930
Had a good time. Met a lot of characters
out there. Met a gay guy there who

271
00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:22,490
hated straight people. I never heard of
that. He was a heterophobe.

272
00:13:22,770 --> 00:13:23,790
I didn't know that was a thing.

273
00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:26,190
He was like, yeah, screw straight
people. You guys are the worst.

274
00:13:26,410 --> 00:13:28,030
I was like, whoa, come on, man. We've
got to get along.

275
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,570
Also, without us, you wouldn't be here.

276
00:13:32,710 --> 00:13:34,310
Don't bite the hand that breeds you.

277
00:13:38,820 --> 00:13:41,460
And I have to ask who's gay, sir,
because I have the worst gaydar on the

278
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:44,340
I can't tell who's gay. One of my
friends has always bragged about his

279
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,020
He's like, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay.
I'm like, well, that's not that

280
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:48,280
impressive. I mean, we're at a gay bar.

281
00:13:50,020 --> 00:13:53,000
I don't know. You want to impress me
with your gaydar? Start pointing out gay

282
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,000
babies.

283
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:58,500
Now that's impressive, right? Like, see
that kid breastfeeding over there?

284
00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:00,240
Between you and me, he's miserable.

285
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,320
That's a hell of a gaybie.

286
00:14:04,420 --> 00:14:05,420
Yeah.

287
00:14:05,860 --> 00:14:07,960
I like all the good lesbians. Any
lesbians in the house?

288
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,380
Hey, all right.

289
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,100
Wow. Yes, I love your website.

290
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:20,240
I feel like lesbians are
underrepresented. I travel the country

291
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,100
always see fun gay bars in every city.
They always have fun names like the

292
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:24,380
manhole or the back door.

293
00:14:25,060 --> 00:14:26,500
Where's all the fun lesbian bars?

294
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,240
Where's like the dugout or scissors?

295
00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:33,940
Also, you always see a group of girls
with one gay guy in it. You never see a

296
00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:35,020
group of guys with one lesbian.

297
00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:37,580
I'd love to have a lesbian in my crew.
That'd be fun.

298
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,080
Because gay guys are very helpful. They
help girls with the hair, their outfit.

299
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,620
A lot of lesbians help me out with
stuff.

300
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:45,780
They're like, ah, crap, the car won't
start. She's like, I got it.

301
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,100
Yeah, you flooded it, you pussy.

302
00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:54,379
Thanks, Debbie.

303
00:14:54,380 --> 00:14:55,420
Glad you brought your tools.

304
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,520
Satire. All right. But you guys are
cool. You know, a lot of crowds getting

305
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:01,520
sensitive.

306
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:02,940
It's getting weird out there.

307
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,810
I got yelled at the show recently. This
guy goes, hey, buddy, that's a trigger

308
00:15:05,810 --> 00:15:08,270
word. I was like, whoa, I think it's
pronounced trigger.

309
00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:11,910
Easy there, big fella.

310
00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:16,650
And look, you know, if you get upset or
offended, that's cool. I'm not one of

311
00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:19,070
those guys. You're allowed to be
offended. That's totally cool. But if

312
00:15:19,170 --> 00:15:20,170
just shut up.

313
00:15:21,430 --> 00:15:23,930
You're not a hero. You're just ruining a
show. Just be offended. Just let it

314
00:15:23,930 --> 00:15:25,270
flow through you. Just feel it, right?

315
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:27,790
Yeah, don't share. We don't care. Just
feel.

316
00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:30,930
Yeah. We all have thoughts. I might want
to sleep with your girlfriend. I just

317
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,190
hold it in. I don't say it. Yeah, yeah.

318
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:34,080
Yeah, just feel it.

319
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,740
We're so obsessed with words now. It
kind of shows how good we have it. We've

320
00:15:37,740 --> 00:15:38,740
got to focus on words.

321
00:15:38,860 --> 00:15:40,960
In the 70s, it was all about action.

322
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:44,380
If you want to show you're brave in the
70s, you had to jump over 12 buses on a

323
00:15:44,380 --> 00:15:47,960
motorcycle. Now I see a guy make an off
-color joke at the office. I'm like,

324
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:49,520
that guy's fucking fearless.

325
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,000
Holy shit.

326
00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:52,140
Wow.

327
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,540
Yeah, I don't know. People take things
so seriously. I guess they've got to

328
00:15:56,540 --> 00:16:01,720
you their personality by yelling at you
about stuff that bothers them. I don't

329
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:02,599
know.

330
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,180
I don't mean any of this stuff. I'm just
saying words in a certain order to

331
00:16:05,180 --> 00:16:05,939
elicit laughter.

332
00:16:05,940 --> 00:16:07,660
People, like, try to figure me out
through my act.

333
00:16:07,940 --> 00:16:08,919
It's all jokes.

334
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,060
I told an abortion joke recently, and a
woman approached me. She was like, hey,

335
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:13,079
that's very insensitive.

336
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,059
I've had an abortion.

337
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:16,900
You shouldn't tell jokes like that. I
was like, whoa, hey, sorry. I just told

338
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:18,460
joke. I think what you did was much
worse.

339
00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:28,800
But, you know, either way, I'll see you
at home later, honey.

340
00:16:30,980 --> 00:16:34,760
And again, all jokes. I love abortions.
I paid for two last week. I'm a fan,

341
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:35,900
right?

342
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,960
You remember?

343
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,000
Come on.

344
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,260
It's all jokes. A friend of mine, she
works at Planned Parenthood. She loves

345
00:16:41,260 --> 00:16:43,660
that joke. And I was like, I might have
to get rid of it. People don't like it.

346
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:45,820
She's like, no, no, you got to keep it.
I was like, I might get rid of it. She's

347
00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:47,660
like, no, no, you got to keep it. I was
like, I might get rid of it. She's like,

348
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,260
no, no, you got to keep it. I was like,
I might get rid of it.

349
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,860
I was like, don't tell me to do it with
my body of work. She's like, every

350
00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:53,860
joke's a miracle.

351
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,320
But I don't want to upset anybody, you
know?

352
00:16:59,220 --> 00:17:00,220
Ah, jeez.

353
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,540
I don't want to upset. That's not my
intention.

354
00:17:04,819 --> 00:17:07,700
I'm upsetting people on accident now. I
was at a Starbucks recently. This guy

355
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:09,980
handed me my coffee. I went, hey,
thanks, chief. This guy goes, ooh.

356
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:12,640
Don't say chief.

357
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,180
It's offensive to Native Americans.

358
00:17:14,780 --> 00:17:17,640
I was like, how is that offensive? He
goes, whoa, don't say how.

359
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:20,880
Come on.

360
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:21,900
How did we get here?

361
00:17:22,839 --> 00:17:24,140
Weird times, weird times.

362
00:17:25,350 --> 00:17:28,950
Taking words away, you know, I get it.
You know, words hurt people. I get it,

363
00:17:28,990 --> 00:17:31,890
you know. But here's the thing. We're
kind of like a weird word prohibition.

364
00:17:31,930 --> 00:17:34,850
Can't say this, can't say that. That's
why I feel like every now and then we

365
00:17:34,850 --> 00:17:36,830
should all go to a politically incorrect
speakeasy.

366
00:17:37,810 --> 00:17:40,150
That's where we can all go to say
horrible stuff and nobody cares.

367
00:17:40,510 --> 00:17:42,990
You got no hate in your heart. You don't
want to hurt anybody. But if you can't

368
00:17:42,990 --> 00:17:44,390
say it there, give us a place you can.

369
00:17:44,910 --> 00:17:46,950
Right? You go down some creaky stairs.

370
00:17:47,230 --> 00:17:49,850
You bang on a big steel door. The guy's
like, what's the password?

371
00:17:50,630 --> 00:17:51,830
Retarded. Get in here!

372
00:17:53,310 --> 00:17:54,310
All right.

373
00:17:55,330 --> 00:17:56,630
It's like the 90s again.

374
00:17:57,690 --> 00:18:00,050
Because offensive words, they're like
alcohol.

375
00:18:00,290 --> 00:18:03,290
Sure, you can abuse it. Sure, you can
hurt people. If you do responsibly, it's

376
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:04,290
good time.

377
00:18:05,010 --> 00:18:08,030
Just don't do it at work. Don't do it
around kids. But go home, close the

378
00:18:08,090 --> 00:18:09,950
take the edge off. Ah, midget.

379
00:18:14,230 --> 00:18:17,290
Right? I don't want to say little
people. That's like drinking no duels.

380
00:18:18,510 --> 00:18:22,690
But of course, I get it. I just, you
know, find it funny.

381
00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:23,930
I get it.

382
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,160
But here's the problem. We forget that
no one's politically correct up here.

383
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,320
We're all animals.

384
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,880
We're all trying to, we're all seeing
the same thing. We're all thinking the

385
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:34,120
same thing. No one's PC in their brain.
This is a filthy problem. When you talk,

386
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:34,999
you seem nice.

387
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,860
Like, no one sees a hot girl bend over
and thinks, look at that independent

388
00:18:37,860 --> 00:18:39,080
woman. I'd like to treat her equally.

389
00:18:39,580 --> 00:18:40,580
No,

390
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,240
we're sick, men and women. We're gross.

391
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,880
But look where it's all gotten us.
Doesn't it feel like the whole country's

392
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,340
up? Feels like everybody's angry right
now. We've got white supremacists,

393
00:18:49,380 --> 00:18:50,420
protests, hate groups.

394
00:18:50,780 --> 00:18:52,840
It's weird you're allowed to be hateful
in America as long as you're not

395
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:53,840
specific.

396
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,920
Isn't that weird? If you're like, I hate
Mexican people, everybody's like, oh,

397
00:18:56,940 --> 00:19:00,880
my God, what a bigot, prejudice. But if
you're like, I hate people, everybody's

398
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,080
like, huh, fucking right.

399
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,400
Isn't that worse?

400
00:19:05,620 --> 00:19:09,120
People are angry now, man. I had one of
those White Lives Matter rallies go by

401
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,120
my house the other day. I freaked out.
Then I realized, oh, it's just a half

402
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,120
marathon.

403
00:19:16,220 --> 00:19:17,220
That was close.

404
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:21,100
I don't know. Just be a good person.
What about that? Just be nice to people,

405
00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:21,699
you know?

406
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:22,700
Yeah.

407
00:19:22,830 --> 00:19:26,110
Like, a lot of it doesn't add up. I
can't keep track of all the rules.

408
00:19:26,470 --> 00:19:27,910
Like, transgender, what do you think?

409
00:19:28,770 --> 00:19:30,750
That's how I feel. I don't give a shit.

410
00:19:31,990 --> 00:19:33,790
You want to go for a man, a woman, go
nuts.

411
00:19:33,990 --> 00:19:35,190
Well, go labia.

412
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,820
What's the beef? Look, it's weird to
hate someone because they're trans,

413
00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:42,680
But it's also weird to love someone
because they're trans.

414
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,260
Shouldn't you like them based on who
they are as a person, content of the

415
00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:47,920
character? People are so phony. I love
Caitlyn Jenner. Why?

416
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:49,200
She sucks.

417
00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:54,100
She's against gay marriage or ran over a
person. What's the good part?

418
00:19:55,620 --> 00:19:57,340
Then they go, well, they have hard
lives.

419
00:19:57,540 --> 00:19:58,540
All right, well, so do bidgets.

420
00:20:00,870 --> 00:20:03,590
Why don't you talk about how much you
like them? Where's that hashtag? I don't

421
00:20:03,590 --> 00:20:04,630
see any tweets about midgets.

422
00:20:04,990 --> 00:20:07,370
Who's got a heart of a midget? Hard to
get around? Hard to drive? Hard to get

423
00:20:07,370 --> 00:20:10,390
work? No love. And look, I'm not anti
-trans, but I am pro -midge.

424
00:20:12,410 --> 00:20:15,670
I just don't get why we help one group
and not another. It's just kind of

425
00:20:15,670 --> 00:20:18,070
trendy. And people say, well, trans
aren't allowed everywhere. Well, you

426
00:20:18,070 --> 00:20:19,070
been to a roller coaster?

427
00:20:19,230 --> 00:20:24,790
At least trans be accommodated with the
bathrooms. Midgets, you ever seen how

428
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:25,790
tall a toilet is?

429
00:20:26,190 --> 00:20:27,790
Imagine having to jump to take a dump.

430
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,260
Weird. No help, no support.

431
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,320
And you know what's great about midgets?
I got a couple midget friends.

432
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:36,560
They're good eggs.

433
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,600
You never see a midget complaining.

434
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:43,080
Never. Every other group complains.
Never a midget. Never see it on the

435
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:45,520
Sitting at a desk, legs dangling, little
fish egg.

436
00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:47,640
Never.

437
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,140
Every other group complains. I see women
on the news. We have a glass ceiling.

438
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:52,580
Midgets are like, you're worried about
the ceiling?

439
00:20:52,820 --> 00:20:53,820
Holy shit.

440
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,780
I'm trying to fuck with this counter,
baby.

441
00:21:00,970 --> 00:21:03,610
Interesting. See, I guess I'm too open
-minded, because I support all

442
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:06,790
transition, not just sexual. Why do we
stop at sexual? I support transition of

443
00:21:06,790 --> 00:21:09,030
personality, transition of opinion.

444
00:21:09,690 --> 00:21:12,710
Like Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart got in
trouble with some offensive tweets from

445
00:21:12,710 --> 00:21:15,510
ago. Well, I'm not the same guy I was
from years ago. I've transitioned.

446
00:21:15,910 --> 00:21:19,050
I used to have sex with 16 -year -olds
when I was 16.

447
00:21:20,710 --> 00:21:21,850
Now I don't. I'm different.

448
00:21:22,070 --> 00:21:23,890
Well, years ago, he said some offensive
stuff.

449
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:26,190
Well, years ago, she won the men's
relay. People change.

450
00:21:28,510 --> 00:21:30,010
Why do you support that and not that?

451
00:21:30,430 --> 00:21:33,510
It just tells me if I ever get in
trouble now, I'm just going to get a sex

452
00:21:33,510 --> 00:21:34,770
change because you've got to kiss my
ass.

453
00:21:35,190 --> 00:21:37,210
Hey, Mark, we heard that interview from
10 years ago.

454
00:21:37,470 --> 00:21:38,470
That was Mark.

455
00:21:38,550 --> 00:21:39,550
I'm Margaret.

456
00:21:41,570 --> 00:21:43,870
I don't know. I support Kevin Hart also
because he's a midget.

457
00:21:48,330 --> 00:21:49,550
Oh, there we go.

458
00:21:53,170 --> 00:21:55,530
But I don't know. Everything's weird
now. You know, the news is insane.

459
00:21:56,270 --> 00:21:57,370
The Internet's full of hate.

460
00:21:57,850 --> 00:21:59,630
I feel like it's the little things that
keep you happy now. You've got to

461
00:21:59,630 --> 00:22:00,630
cherish the little things.

462
00:22:00,690 --> 00:22:01,690
I got a Snapple today.

463
00:22:01,750 --> 00:22:04,890
I love a good Snapple. I love that fun
fact under the cap.

464
00:22:05,530 --> 00:22:08,650
It was a good one today. It said polar
bears used to be brown, but through

465
00:22:08,650 --> 00:22:11,150
evolution they turned white because
police were shooting them.

466
00:22:13,910 --> 00:22:14,910
I know.

467
00:22:15,130 --> 00:22:17,250
I couldn't believe they fit all that
under the cap.

468
00:22:19,150 --> 00:22:20,150
Yeah.

469
00:22:21,950 --> 00:22:24,830
A lot of racial talk now. White
privilege. That's a term you hear a lot

470
00:22:24,910 --> 00:22:26,690
White privilege. But I thought it was
all about diversity.

471
00:22:26,930 --> 00:22:29,010
Shouldn't we talk about everybody's
privileges? Why are we just limiting it

472
00:22:29,010 --> 00:22:31,630
whitey? Let's spread the love. Let's
make every group feel good. Everybody's

473
00:22:31,630 --> 00:22:32,630
something. Tall people.

474
00:22:32,710 --> 00:22:33,710
Privilege. See you at a concert.

475
00:22:34,270 --> 00:22:35,630
Jews. No hell.

476
00:22:37,370 --> 00:22:38,510
Pretty good. Pretty good.

477
00:22:39,630 --> 00:22:43,790
Women. Ladies night. That's cool. Black
people. I can't wear a purple suit.

478
00:22:46,860 --> 00:22:50,000
Looks like fun. Everybody's got a perk.
Indian people, even if you're

479
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,200
undateable, your parents will arrange
something, huh?

480
00:22:53,340 --> 00:22:54,360
Let's spread the love.

481
00:22:56,300 --> 00:22:59,620
Who's got the energy to be racist, huh?
That's got to suck to be racist.

482
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,180
Wouldn't that be weird? Just like, you
go to the bank, you're like, ah, there's

483
00:23:03,180 --> 00:23:04,560
Jews here. I got to leave.

484
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:06,840
What a horrible life.

485
00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:10,220
Man, put on an outfit, go to a meeting,
all that stuff.

486
00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:14,560
I don't care about any group enough to
hate it. Do whatever you want. Go nuts.

487
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:15,820
don't want to do anything. I'm lazy.

488
00:23:16,490 --> 00:23:18,310
I don't want to burn a cross or a
calorie.

489
00:23:20,150 --> 00:23:21,350
Everybody's worked up about something.

490
00:23:21,610 --> 00:23:23,370
There's Muslims on airplanes.

491
00:23:24,270 --> 00:23:26,190
I'd rather a Muslim on a plane than a
baby.

492
00:23:28,450 --> 00:23:30,990
I've never had a Muslim kick the back of
my seat and piss in the aisle.

493
00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:35,130
I'm just saying if the airport had a
baby ban, I wouldn't protest.

494
00:23:36,810 --> 00:23:39,570
Yeah, but transgender, they're using the
bathrooms.

495
00:23:39,910 --> 00:23:42,410
Well, they're still using the toilet,
right? They're not leaving a hot floater

496
00:23:42,410 --> 00:23:43,410
in the sink.

497
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:47,060
If that was like their thing, then yeah,
we should totally have a meeting.

498
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,160
That's crazy, you know?

499
00:23:48,860 --> 00:23:51,800
Then you get the hillbilly guy. What if
one of these perverts puts on a dress

500
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,200
and looks at my wife in the bathroom?

501
00:23:53,420 --> 00:23:54,399
Ooh, what a score.

502
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,780
Some guy can see your toothless wife
shitting?

503
00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,860
What a lucky guy.

504
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,080
Come on, go to work, you lunatic.

505
00:24:00,900 --> 00:24:03,040
But hey, we've come a long way. We hate
to admit that.

506
00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:06,200
We hate to admit it. We've come a long
way. Like in the 50s, we had whites only

507
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:09,320
and blacks only water fountain, which is
incredibly sad, especially if you're a

508
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:10,320
thirsty Asian.

509
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,800
What the hell are they doing? Drinking
out of a faucet? No one talks about it.

510
00:24:16,820 --> 00:24:18,120
Never come up once. Not a peep.

511
00:24:19,260 --> 00:24:21,820
Nothing. Black people are pissed. Can
you believe this shit? We got our own

512
00:24:21,820 --> 00:24:24,200
water fountain. Asia's like, can I get a
sip? I'm dying out here.

513
00:24:25,340 --> 00:24:27,240
I got a triangular hat to block the sun.

514
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,460
I'm a big fan of Asians. I think they're
the best group. I think they're number

515
00:24:31,460 --> 00:24:33,860
one. I don't think they get the credit
they deserve.

516
00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:37,520
I'm an Asian supremacist all the way. I
think they're better than the rest. Any

517
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,520
Asian people here?

518
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:40,200
Hey, all right.

519
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,480
You should be working.

520
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:42,680
Come on.

521
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,080
What are you doing having a good time?

522
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:49,560
That's not the Asian I know, goddammit.
I want you dealing blackjack or sitting

523
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:50,960
on a box peeling something.

524
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:52,200
Come on.

525
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:54,760
Big fan.

526
00:24:54,780 --> 00:24:58,280
Best group. Easily the best group. No
love. You guys get the short on the

527
00:24:58,280 --> 00:24:59,620
chopstick. It's pretty unfair.

528
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,740
So quiet. So secure, Asians. Every other
group's got a brag and boast.

529
00:25:04,940 --> 00:25:05,960
Every group's got a slogan.

530
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:07,520
Black people, I'm black and I'm proud.

531
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:08,760
White people, white power.

532
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:10,380
Hispanics, aye, aye, aye, aye.

533
00:25:13,020 --> 00:25:18,540
asian and just head down grades up
that's it and you're the bet you never

534
00:25:18,540 --> 00:25:21,980
about asian crime never if i was an
asian guy i would just start mugging

535
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:28,780
like hey it's my word against yours big
fan big fan oh yeah

536
00:25:28,780 --> 00:25:33,020
i think the news is a problem the news
pins us all against each other news

537
00:25:33,020 --> 00:25:35,540
it seem like all white people are scared
of minorities i don't think all white

538
00:25:35,540 --> 00:25:37,740
people are scared of minorities i do
think a lot of white people are scared

539
00:25:37,740 --> 00:25:40,040
looking racist That's really the big
fear with Whitey.

540
00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:42,780
Like, if I'm walking down the street at
4 in the morning, I see a sketchy

541
00:25:42,780 --> 00:25:44,420
-looking white guy coming towards me,
I'm like, crap.

542
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,020
I'm going to cross the street.

543
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,700
If I'm walking down the street at 4 in
the morning, I see a sketchy -looking

544
00:25:48,700 --> 00:25:50,260
black guy coming towards me, I'm like,
crap.

545
00:25:50,780 --> 00:25:52,240
I wish I could cross the street.

546
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,700
I'd rather get stabbed and look like an
asshole.

547
00:25:59,790 --> 00:26:03,490
White people, we are so worried about
looking ignorant and bigoted. I guess

548
00:26:03,490 --> 00:26:06,310
because of our history. Like, I went
skiing recently with my friend. We're

549
00:26:06,310 --> 00:26:08,430
sitting on the ski lift. I was like, why
don't you see more black people skiing?

550
00:26:08,630 --> 00:26:12,110
Why is that? My friend has no idea, but
he's going to, you know, half -ass his

551
00:26:12,110 --> 00:26:13,490
way through it because he doesn't want
to seem dumb.

552
00:26:13,750 --> 00:26:16,270
So he's like, ah, you know, they don't
grow up with it.

553
00:26:16,810 --> 00:26:20,630
Like, well, I'm from Louisiana. I'm
here. Well, ski is very expensive.

554
00:26:21,010 --> 00:26:22,250
Ah, right, right, right, yeah.

555
00:26:22,470 --> 00:26:24,630
Yeah, you know, I've never seen a black
guy with anything expensive on their

556
00:26:24,630 --> 00:26:25,630
feet.

557
00:26:29,130 --> 00:26:31,330
Just so you don't know. It's all right.
You sound way worse.

558
00:26:31,990 --> 00:26:34,550
That's why black people are smarter.
White people, we do crazy stuff. We swim

559
00:26:34,550 --> 00:26:36,470
with sharks. We go bungee jumping, cliff
diving.

560
00:26:36,750 --> 00:26:38,830
Ask a black guy, why do they do that?
They go, I don't know. That's white

561
00:26:38,830 --> 00:26:39,830
shit.

562
00:26:40,710 --> 00:26:41,710
That's a good answer.

563
00:26:42,910 --> 00:26:44,930
They don't sit around going, well, you
know, Europe.

564
00:26:46,850 --> 00:26:47,850
Yeah,

565
00:26:49,050 --> 00:26:50,050
I don't know.

566
00:26:50,330 --> 00:26:53,450
But look, yeah, I'm a white guy. If I
talk about race now.

567
00:26:54,250 --> 00:26:57,230
For some reason, another white person
ebbly calls me racist. That's like what

568
00:26:57,230 --> 00:26:59,610
do. It's like, I know you're trying to
seem like a hero, but you're going to

569
00:26:59,610 --> 00:27:00,389
ruin that word.

570
00:27:00,390 --> 00:27:02,210
You're going to take the teeth out of
it. It's like an important word.

571
00:27:02,410 --> 00:27:03,409
You're going to ruin it.

572
00:27:03,410 --> 00:27:06,150
Like, I was on the subway recently. I
was watching an interracial couple make

573
00:27:06,150 --> 00:27:08,010
out. I was just staring at them.

574
00:27:09,130 --> 00:27:11,850
And the guy next to them caught me. He
goes, what the hell? I see you staring

575
00:27:11,850 --> 00:27:12,850
them. What are you, a racist?

576
00:27:12,870 --> 00:27:13,709
I was like, what?

577
00:27:13,710 --> 00:27:14,770
Racist? No, I'm a creep.

578
00:27:17,050 --> 00:27:18,270
What are you talking about? I'm hard.

579
00:27:20,630 --> 00:27:22,070
I'm not a racist. I'm aroused.

580
00:27:23,310 --> 00:27:25,610
It's an important word. People abuse it
all the time. A friend of mine, she's

581
00:27:25,610 --> 00:27:28,150
Puerto Rican. We grew up together. She's
like, I hate going to the gym. The

582
00:27:28,150 --> 00:27:30,330
white women there all give me the stink
eye because they're racist.

583
00:27:30,550 --> 00:27:31,610
I was like, damn, what happened?

584
00:27:31,810 --> 00:27:33,190
She's like, well, first bring my food in
and I eat it.

585
00:27:34,110 --> 00:27:36,830
Then I play my music really loud. I'm
like, oh, maybe they just hate you.

586
00:27:38,550 --> 00:27:41,370
Let's not lump together all of Puerto
Rico because you're being a twat.

587
00:27:42,670 --> 00:27:45,470
You're being inconsiderate and rude.
Take a little ownership. Look with it.

588
00:27:45,470 --> 00:27:47,910
can't blame everything on bigotry. Look,
I grew up in a black neighborhood. I

589
00:27:47,910 --> 00:27:50,470
was a bedwetter. I'd sleep at their
houses. Eventually, they stopped

590
00:27:50,470 --> 00:27:53,490
over. I wasn't like, ah, they hate white
people. No, I ruined their fucking

591
00:27:53,490 --> 00:27:54,490
furniture.

592
00:27:55,890 --> 00:27:57,310
They didn't hate white. They hated
yellow.

593
00:27:58,730 --> 00:27:59,730
Sorry.

594
00:28:00,270 --> 00:28:01,270
Uh -huh.

595
00:28:03,370 --> 00:28:04,370
Yeah.

596
00:28:06,050 --> 00:28:08,570
I like all the groups. I just make
jokes, you know? Remember jokes?

597
00:28:09,190 --> 00:28:10,190
Yeah.

598
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:13,460
I met a nice girl in that Jewish app.
What's that Jewish app called? The

599
00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:14,460
one?

600
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:15,600
What's the Jewish app?

601
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:17,780
The other one, the other one.

602
00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:19,120
PayPal.

603
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:20,280
Yeah.

604
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:22,660
Going pretty well, yeah.

605
00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:25,900
A lot of ladies here tonight. That's
exciting.

606
00:28:26,300 --> 00:28:29,200
I feel like this is like your time,
ladies. This is like the year of the

607
00:28:29,300 --> 00:28:29,759
you know?

608
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,220
I went to the Women's March in
Manhattan.

609
00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:34,600
That was cool. Although I got to say, I
haven't heard the word pussy yelled that

610
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:37,140
much since that time I rollerbladed to
high school.

611
00:28:40,100 --> 00:28:41,140
That was a tough morning.

612
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:44,039
Yeah.

613
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,720
It's kind of crazy what women go
through, isn't it? Like, some guys just,

614
00:28:46,740 --> 00:28:49,580
whip it out and stuff in front of women.
That's wild. That's bold.

615
00:28:50,340 --> 00:28:52,920
See, I have a penis, so I'm not that
scared of new ones. But I guess if you

616
00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:54,540
don't have a penis, a new one's got to
be pretty scary.

617
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:58,120
The closest I can get to that feeling is
once I was hanging out with a friend,

618
00:28:58,140 --> 00:28:59,260
and he just took out a gun.

619
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,840
I was like, what the hell are you doing?
He's like, well, you know I had a gun.

620
00:29:01,940 --> 00:29:03,400
I'm like, yeah, but we're at Whole
Foods.

621
00:29:05,310 --> 00:29:08,070
Because a dick and a gun are very
similar. If somebody pulled out either

622
00:29:08,070 --> 00:29:10,810
right now, we'd all be like, whoa, is
that meant for me? Jesus Christ.

623
00:29:11,590 --> 00:29:12,790
Don't point it at me. Damn.

624
00:29:13,530 --> 00:29:16,250
Dick and a gun, very similar. Both
pointy. They shoot things. They come in

625
00:29:16,250 --> 00:29:17,049
different sizes.

626
00:29:17,050 --> 00:29:18,230
You can get a pistol or a shotgun.

627
00:29:18,470 --> 00:29:20,090
I'm circumcised, so I'm sawed off.

628
00:29:22,890 --> 00:29:25,190
But I guess guys who do that just get
confused.

629
00:29:25,530 --> 00:29:28,190
Because ladies, sometimes you like a
penis. So guys think, hey, she liked one

630
00:29:28,190 --> 00:29:29,870
last night. Why wouldn't she like one
with a copy machine?

631
00:29:30,070 --> 00:29:31,070
Women are so complex.

632
00:29:32,719 --> 00:29:35,760
Because I think generally speaking, when
it comes to sex, I think men are a

633
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:39,160
little more constant. Men like boobs,
but we like boobs across the board.

634
00:29:39,420 --> 00:29:40,620
Boob in the bedroom, great.

635
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,780
Boob on the bus, also great.

636
00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:50,600
Dick in the bedroom, great. Dick on the
bus, call the police.

637
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:54,400
Nobody's calling the police on a boob.

638
00:29:55,140 --> 00:29:57,440
You see a boob out in the wild, it's
like seeing a deer.

639
00:30:03,590 --> 00:30:04,590
It's majestic.

640
00:30:05,850 --> 00:30:06,890
Look, there's two now.

641
00:30:08,530 --> 00:30:11,730
Then your other friend walks up. Hey,
look at that, a boob. You're like, ah,

642
00:30:11,730 --> 00:30:12,730
spooked it.

643
00:30:13,310 --> 00:30:14,310
Come on.

644
00:30:16,590 --> 00:30:17,590
Yeah.

645
00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,170
We're cracking down on sexual harassment
finally. That's good.

646
00:30:20,510 --> 00:30:22,690
You know who gets sexually harassed more
than women? The one group?

647
00:30:23,730 --> 00:30:24,730
Pets?

648
00:30:25,030 --> 00:30:26,030
Yeah.

649
00:30:26,670 --> 00:30:28,270
Nobody ever gets consent from a dog.

650
00:30:29,399 --> 00:30:32,080
Nobody. People just pick it up, kiss it
on the face, rub its belly to that

651
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,360
weird, creepy, long pet where you grab
the tail at the end.

652
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,480
We're creepy as hell with dogs.

653
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:44,240
And we sound like creeps. They like it.
They're begging me for it. Yeah.

654
00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:50,260
Thank God dogs can't talk. We'd all go
to jail, right?

655
00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:53,980
Just some chihuahua in a courtroom like,
Percy, flip me over.

656
00:30:57,060 --> 00:30:58,800
Then he caressed all eight of my
nipples.

657
00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:03,360
Then he slapped me on the ass repeatedly
and said, you're a good girl, good

658
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:04,760
girl. Oh, God.

659
00:31:06,100 --> 00:31:09,360
We harass dogs all day long, and they're
perfect harassers. They can't talk, so

660
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:11,260
they'll never report you. That's why
they're man's best friend.

661
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:16,360
Also, dogs forget stuff after like two
seconds. You can stick your finger up a

662
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:17,780
dog's ass and be like, well, that was
weird.

663
00:31:18,140 --> 00:31:19,140
Frisbee!

664
00:31:21,660 --> 00:31:24,640
Because really, when you break down our
relationship with dogs, dogs are

665
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:26,780
shameless, shameless whores, aren't
they?

666
00:31:27,220 --> 00:31:30,160
I mean, they're like gold diggers. Look
at the deal we've cut with a dog. Like,

667
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:32,600
all right, pooch, I will house you and
feed you, but I get to touch you

668
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:34,740
I want. Dog's like, what are you
kidding? That's fucking amazing.

669
00:31:35,900 --> 00:31:38,460
I'll do you one better. When you come
home, I'll hump your leg. I'll lick my

670
00:31:38,460 --> 00:31:40,800
balls in front of you. And when you have
sex, I'll watch.

671
00:31:42,660 --> 00:31:43,579
That's fair.

672
00:31:43,580 --> 00:31:46,820
And cats, cats are the exact opposite.
Cats are like sexual assault victims.

673
00:31:46,980 --> 00:31:49,540
They're all nervous, skittish, head on a
swivel. Huh? You touch me, I'll fucking

674
00:31:49,540 --> 00:31:50,560
cut you. I'll cut you, motherfucker.

675
00:31:51,300 --> 00:31:53,320
Yeah, yeah, you're not grabbing this
pussy, all right? Yeah.

676
00:31:53,820 --> 00:31:55,920
Now leave me alone. I got to go out the
window for an hour.

677
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,760
But hey, you got to listen to ladies,
fellas. You got to listen, you know? A

678
00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:04,580
friend of mine, she's like a big
feminist. She's like, ah, I have a full

679
00:32:04,580 --> 00:32:07,420
because that's how I was born. I was
like, holy hell, you were born with a

680
00:32:07,420 --> 00:32:08,420
bush?

681
00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:10,780
That is a terrifying baby.

682
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:13,960
Cut the umbilical cord.

683
00:32:14,300 --> 00:32:15,300
I can't find it.

684
00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:20,460
I like a strong woman. I want a woman to
catcall me.

685
00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:22,020
Catcall us. Ladies, that'd be hilarious.

686
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:24,300
Start yelling out stuff at men that we
don't want to hear. Stuff that would

687
00:32:24,300 --> 00:32:25,199
scare a guy.

688
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:27,500
You know, you walk past a group of girls
at night. One of them's like, hey, I'll

689
00:32:27,500 --> 00:32:29,880
tell you I love you on the first date.
You're like, Jesus Christ.

690
00:32:30,220 --> 00:32:31,220
Oh, hell.

691
00:32:31,300 --> 00:32:32,300
That is terrifying.

692
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:33,560
Yeah, get us back.

693
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:35,620
And then you walk past a girl. She's
like, hey, before we have sex, I'm going

694
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,620
poke a hole in the condom. This is a
horrible neighborhood.

695
00:32:37,940 --> 00:32:38,940
My God.

696
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:40,200
Start the car.

697
00:32:41,060 --> 00:32:42,260
Oh, you ladies are fascinating.

698
00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:44,160
So complex.

699
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:45,960
Yeah.

700
00:32:46,060 --> 00:32:48,880
One time me and my girl were watching
the news. There was a whole thing about

701
00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:50,200
CEO harassing his employees.

702
00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:53,620
She's like, can you believe this creep
grabbing women's asses, whispering dirty

703
00:32:53,620 --> 00:32:55,400
stuff in their ear at work? I was like,
yeah, it's crazy.

704
00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:58,060
Then we got home later in the bedroom.
She's like, can you do that stuff from

705
00:32:58,060 --> 00:32:59,060
the news to me?

706
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:02,140
I was like, I thought you hated that.
She's like, I hate that he does it. If

707
00:33:02,140 --> 00:33:03,140
do it, it's hot.

708
00:33:03,300 --> 00:33:05,940
So you hate harassment unless you like
the guy, then it turns you on.

709
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:07,119
That's fascinating.

710
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:09,560
I don't think other groups like black
guys get harassed by the cops, but at

711
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,120
night they're not like, come on, pull me
over.

712
00:33:12,930 --> 00:33:14,390
Yeah, tase me, bitch. Yeah.

713
00:33:15,990 --> 00:33:16,990
Interesting.

714
00:33:17,290 --> 00:33:20,950
Yeah, my gal, she likes being insulted
in the bedroom, which is cool, but

715
00:33:20,950 --> 00:33:22,550
tells you that not all insults are sexy.

716
00:33:22,770 --> 00:33:23,770
I learned that the hard way.

717
00:33:24,910 --> 00:33:27,490
Yeah, we'd be having sex. I'm like,
yeah, you whore. She's like, yeah.

718
00:33:28,050 --> 00:33:29,810
I'm like, yeah, you slut. She's like,
yeah.

719
00:33:30,130 --> 00:33:32,330
I'm like, you're a bad driver. She's
like, what?

720
00:33:35,110 --> 00:33:36,510
I'm like, that's the one that bothered
you?

721
00:33:37,830 --> 00:33:38,830
Weird.

722
00:33:39,270 --> 00:33:41,730
She's like, you really think I'm a bad
driver? I'm like, sorry, you dirty

723
00:33:41,810 --> 00:33:42,810
She's like, thank you.

724
00:33:44,930 --> 00:33:45,930
Yeah.

725
00:33:46,030 --> 00:33:48,830
Yeah, sometimes I'll try to hook up, and
she's like, ah, I can't have sex, and I

726
00:33:48,830 --> 00:33:49,830
don't feel sexy.

727
00:33:50,130 --> 00:33:51,670
I can't have sex if I don't feel sexy.

728
00:33:52,250 --> 00:33:54,090
Wow, if that was the case for me, I'd
still be a virgin.

729
00:33:55,470 --> 00:33:58,570
I've never felt sexy in my entire life.
The whole concept of sexy is very

730
00:33:58,570 --> 00:34:01,350
arbitrary. You know, your girl comes in,
I'm wearing my sexy leopard print

731
00:34:01,350 --> 00:34:02,350
underwear.

732
00:34:02,570 --> 00:34:04,910
Well, when did we decide leopard was the
sexiest animal print?

733
00:34:05,530 --> 00:34:08,350
I don't know, nothing says sexy
underwear to me like yellow and brown

734
00:34:10,150 --> 00:34:13,630
In that case, I'm wearing my sexy
underwear. It's a rare jungle cat called

735
00:34:13,630 --> 00:34:14,630
skid mark.

736
00:34:17,150 --> 00:34:18,270
Aha, yeah.

737
00:34:18,730 --> 00:34:21,909
How about the true crime? You gals love
a good true crime.

738
00:34:22,210 --> 00:34:25,130
Oh, that's the forensic file killer
women dateline.

739
00:34:25,389 --> 00:34:26,389
Hours of this stuff.

740
00:34:26,770 --> 00:34:29,610
My gal caught me watching two seconds of
gay porn. She flipped out.

741
00:34:30,830 --> 00:34:32,909
She was like, what the hell's going on
here? I was like, well.

742
00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:35,600
You watch murder.

743
00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:40,000
Isn't that way weirder? She's like,
well, you're watching this. Do you want

744
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,620
do that? I was like, well, do you want
to kill me?

745
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:46,440
She was like, oh, shut up. I'm just
watching my show, so I know what to do

746
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:47,440
ever get in that situation.

747
00:34:47,500 --> 00:34:49,500
I'm like, maybe that's why I'm watching
gay porn.

748
00:34:51,199 --> 00:34:53,540
I want to know how this goes down, so I
get the hell out of there, right?

749
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:57,040
She's like, that's ridiculous. This is a
reenactment. Well, this is too. This

750
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:58,480
guy's not really a real estate broker.

751
00:35:02,470 --> 00:35:05,450
Too much porn. I think porn has really
changed the game, you know? Out of the

752
00:35:05,450 --> 00:35:07,430
gate now, sex is much kinkier, I think,
as a porn.

753
00:35:07,670 --> 00:35:11,710
Out of the gate now, it's like choking,
spitting, finger up the butt.

754
00:35:12,030 --> 00:35:15,430
Which is weird, because these are all
things my older brother did to torment

755
00:35:17,270 --> 00:35:20,170
It's all the same shit. We've just taken
bullying out of the playground and

756
00:35:20,170 --> 00:35:21,049
brought it in the bedroom.

757
00:35:21,050 --> 00:35:24,090
I got my girl on top now. I'm like,
Indian sunburn.

758
00:35:26,279 --> 00:35:29,180
Seriously, you go to a schoolyard during
recess, some kid's holding a girl down,

759
00:35:29,340 --> 00:35:31,940
pulling her hair, calling her names. I'm
like, man, he's good.

760
00:35:33,740 --> 00:35:36,540
I'm taking notes. You get back to your
girl, she's like, wow, where'd you learn

761
00:35:36,540 --> 00:35:38,120
that? I'm like, couple of third graders,
actually.

762
00:35:39,020 --> 00:35:40,580
But don't worry, I like red wine.

763
00:35:45,300 --> 00:35:46,940
It's weird out there. Who knows?

764
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:49,840
You got to get married, right? That's
what you do?

765
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:52,360
Scary,

766
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:54,078
huh?

767
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:55,380
Marriage feels so antiquated.

768
00:35:55,740 --> 00:35:58,340
Feels like we've come so far with
everything. We're still doing that

769
00:35:58,880 --> 00:35:59,880
What are we doing?

770
00:36:00,900 --> 00:36:02,320
Especially the ladies.

771
00:36:02,700 --> 00:36:04,320
Every girl of every day is like, when
are you going to propose?

772
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:06,519
Clock's ticking.

773
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:07,520
Pop the question.

774
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:09,120
Why do you want to get married so bad?

775
00:36:09,780 --> 00:36:10,698
What is it?

776
00:36:10,700 --> 00:36:13,200
Ladies, you've come so far. When it
comes to marriage, you guys get kind of

777
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,640
-fashioned. I want the ring and the cake
and the dress.

778
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:16,980
What? Grow up.

779
00:36:20,180 --> 00:36:23,480
Ladies, you're killing it. Go frolic. Be
free. But it's my special day.

780
00:36:23,700 --> 00:36:24,960
All right, why do I have to ruin mine?

781
00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:29,560
I don't know. I feel like a lot of guys
look at marriage the way women look at

782
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:32,660
anal. You know, we're both just like,
well, we all knew this day was coming.

783
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,500
Let's get it over with. I'm not sure
it's even natural.

784
00:36:37,140 --> 00:36:40,180
Either way, when it's all done, we'll
get new sheets.

785
00:36:45,060 --> 00:36:47,880
But that's why you ladies are brilliant.
You gals are geniuses. Because you guys

786
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:50,320
tend to be the ones who want to get
married. Somebody designed it to where

787
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:51,320
man asks you.

788
00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:53,780
That's some Jedi -level trickery right
there.

789
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:54,959
You're like Yoda.

790
00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:57,740
I want to get married, but you'll ask
me. Yes, you got it. And you'll get down

791
00:36:57,740 --> 00:36:58,740
on one knee. No problem.

792
00:36:58,940 --> 00:37:02,020
And you'll buy me an expensive ring.
Will do. And whose idea was this? All

793
00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:05,120
Well played, ladies. Well played.

794
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:08,600
See, like, guys, we got to cool with the
sexual aggression. We come on too

795
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,920
strong, we're creepy, we're scary.
Ladies, you guys got to cool with the

796
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:11,698
commitment aggression.

797
00:37:11,700 --> 00:37:13,700
That's where you guys push. That's where
you guys get creepy. When are you going

798
00:37:13,700 --> 00:37:15,120
to exchange keys? When are you going to
move in? When are you going to get

799
00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:16,500
married? It's like, whoa, hey, no means
no.

800
00:37:17,580 --> 00:37:19,780
Slow down. I feel pressured. I'm not
ready.

801
00:37:20,220 --> 00:37:22,940
And your family jumps in. Hey, when are
you going to make an honest woman out of

802
00:37:22,940 --> 00:37:24,460
my daughter? What? Who's this guy?

803
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:28,900
Imagine my dad did that. Hey, when are
you going to bang my son? Huh?

804
00:37:30,740 --> 00:37:31,740
Back off.

805
00:37:32,390 --> 00:37:35,410
I don't know, am I nuts? Marriage just
feels like the least romantic thing on

806
00:37:35,410 --> 00:37:36,410
the planet. It's legal.

807
00:37:36,550 --> 00:37:38,810
You've got to go to a courthouse, get a
license. What's the license for?

808
00:37:39,030 --> 00:37:40,570
That's the only license we don't check,
by the way.

809
00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:43,450
Driver's license, liquor license. People
check a fishing license.

810
00:37:43,690 --> 00:37:44,710
I'm going to start checking a marriage
license.

811
00:37:45,590 --> 00:37:48,570
Next time I see a short, broke, weird
guy, I'll be like, that's my hot wife

812
00:37:48,570 --> 00:37:49,870
there. I'll be like, let me see some ID.

813
00:37:51,410 --> 00:37:52,410
I don't buy it.

814
00:37:53,190 --> 00:37:54,410
I just got my license renewed.

815
00:37:54,650 --> 00:37:57,330
You know what's weird? When you buy
alcohol, you show your driver's license.

816
00:37:57,610 --> 00:37:58,308
Isn't that weird?

817
00:37:58,310 --> 00:38:00,390
The thing I'm not supposed to do with
this stuff, you want me to prove I can

818
00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:04,340
By that logic, when you buy a gun, you
should show your marriage license.

819
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,320
All right?

820
00:38:08,860 --> 00:38:11,240
Lady walks in, I'll take that revolver.
Guy's like, let me see some

821
00:38:11,240 --> 00:38:14,600
identification. Why, you've been married
60 years? You know what? Just take it.

822
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:19,740
I don't know. Then you've got to have
kids.

823
00:38:20,580 --> 00:38:22,300
Kids are scary.

824
00:38:23,080 --> 00:38:24,080
I like babies.

825
00:38:24,220 --> 00:38:25,098
Babies are fun.

826
00:38:25,100 --> 00:38:26,860
You know why babies are great? Because
they're not evil yet.

827
00:38:27,399 --> 00:38:30,220
There's a million douchebags out there,
but you never assume that baby will

828
00:38:30,220 --> 00:38:31,098
become one.

829
00:38:31,100 --> 00:38:32,100
Isn't that nice?

830
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:34,780
That's why no one ever goes up to a
pregnant woman, rubs her belly, and

831
00:38:34,900 --> 00:38:36,020
ooh, this one's going to suck.

832
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:40,180
No, it's all up. It's all potential.
It's all positive. Oh, it's kicking.

833
00:38:40,380 --> 00:38:42,080
Might be a pro soccer player.

834
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:45,280
It's never like, oh, it's kicking. Might
hit his wife.

835
00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:49,400
Statistically, way more likely than a
pro soccer player.

836
00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:52,020
Plus, it's already hitting a woman. Not
even out yet.

837
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:55,800
Uh -huh.

838
00:38:56,140 --> 00:38:58,340
Yeah. I don't know. I've got to figure
something out.

839
00:38:59,220 --> 00:39:01,100
Being in a relationship is always tough,
you know.

840
00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:04,240
I've always had people say weird stuff
to me, like, Mark, you're a comedian.

841
00:39:04,240 --> 00:39:05,240
must be a great boyfriend.

842
00:39:05,720 --> 00:39:07,540
Why do you say that? Well, women love
funny guys.

843
00:39:07,780 --> 00:39:10,460
All right, well, you're taking the one
singular positive aspect.

844
00:39:10,940 --> 00:39:14,060
If you do it with any guy, they could
seem like a great boyfriend.

845
00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:16,240
Serial killer.

846
00:39:16,380 --> 00:39:19,180
Take out the killing. This guy's
organized and cleans up after himself.

847
00:39:21,300 --> 00:39:23,600
Terrorist. Take out the terrorized. This
guy's passionate and loves to travel.

848
00:39:26,740 --> 00:39:29,360
Child molester. Take out the molesting.
This guy's got a van and can't wait to

849
00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:30,360
start a family.

850
00:39:31,260 --> 00:39:34,320
I just got a bad brain.

851
00:39:34,540 --> 00:39:38,040
I'm too literal. Literal is bad with
dating and stuff. I had a blind date

852
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,420
right when the girl saw me. She goes,
hey, I bet we'd have really cute kids.

853
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:42,580
I was like, all right, I bet we'd have
great sex.

854
00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:43,840
And she goes, whoa, slow down.

855
00:39:45,060 --> 00:39:47,080
It's like, slow down. You're nine months
ahead of me.

856
00:39:49,260 --> 00:39:50,660
Ah, this girl hated me.

857
00:39:51,450 --> 00:39:53,230
She was like, you know, I feel very
brave tonight.

858
00:39:53,450 --> 00:39:55,210
I was like, why is that? Because I'm not
wearing any makeup.

859
00:39:55,430 --> 00:39:58,070
I was like, how's that brave? Because
I'm being my true self, being the real

860
00:39:58,310 --> 00:40:00,590
I was like, oh, okay. She's like, you
should be brave. I'm like, yeah, maybe I

861
00:40:00,590 --> 00:40:01,590
will. She's like, what are you going to
do?

862
00:40:01,870 --> 00:40:03,430
I was like, I'm going to stop pretending
this is interesting.

863
00:40:07,470 --> 00:40:11,230
She was like, wow, I can't believe you
just said that. I was like, yeah, took

864
00:40:11,230 --> 00:40:12,230
that.

865
00:40:14,210 --> 00:40:16,270
I don't know, working on it, trying to
get better.

866
00:40:16,550 --> 00:40:18,270
I don't know. I realize I'm a weirdo.

867
00:40:18,570 --> 00:40:20,210
I remember I had a one -night stand one.

868
00:40:20,650 --> 00:40:22,650
Went great, fun night, hanging out.

869
00:40:23,150 --> 00:40:25,930
But during the sex, she did a new one
I'd never seen before. She acted like a

870
00:40:25,930 --> 00:40:26,908
four -year -old.

871
00:40:26,910 --> 00:40:28,610
You ever come across this?

872
00:40:29,150 --> 00:40:31,570
We'd be having sex out of nowhere. She'd
be like, you know, if you want to, you

873
00:40:31,570 --> 00:40:32,570
can pull my hair.

874
00:40:32,850 --> 00:40:33,850
I was like, eh.

875
00:40:35,670 --> 00:40:37,770
Then we'd keep going, you know, if you
want to, you can slap my ass.

876
00:40:38,530 --> 00:40:39,730
I was like, you got it.

877
00:40:40,350 --> 00:40:42,350
Then I'd keep going, you know, if you
want to, you can choke me.

878
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:44,100
I was like, I do.

879
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:47,960
We finished. We had a great night. We're
laying there. And I was like, you know,

880
00:40:47,980 --> 00:40:49,400
if you want to, you can leave.

881
00:40:51,740 --> 00:40:55,080
She didn't care for that one. I thought
the timing was perfect, you know.

882
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:58,400
A lot of girls get mad about the whole
leaving thing. But it's nothing personal

883
00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:01,040
against you. It's just a weirdo. I'm in
my head. I'm a nut. I'm an introvert. I

884
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:03,320
got to get out of there. A lot of girls
get mad. Like, what, do you just bang me

885
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:04,320
and leave?

886
00:41:04,850 --> 00:41:06,070
Well, yeah, this was a long night.

887
00:41:07,790 --> 00:41:10,150
I've been trying to win you over like
nine hours. I'm exhausted.

888
00:41:10,490 --> 00:41:13,370
There were five guys at the bar hitting
on you. I'd out -charm them, be more

889
00:41:13,370 --> 00:41:16,030
interesting, be conversational, be
funny, be on all night. She was like,

890
00:41:16,410 --> 00:41:17,410
You could have just been yourself.

891
00:41:17,770 --> 00:41:19,150
I'm like, what are you, fucking stupid?

892
00:41:21,930 --> 00:41:22,930
Be myself?

893
00:41:22,990 --> 00:41:23,990
What?

894
00:41:24,450 --> 00:41:26,990
I'm an idiot. If I was myself, I'd be
like, hey, you fat whore, let's fuck.

895
00:41:29,290 --> 00:41:30,290
That's not going to work.

896
00:41:33,020 --> 00:41:35,000
She was like, well, I don't get it. Why
do you want to leave? Like, I don't

897
00:41:35,000 --> 00:41:37,240
know. I just want to go talk to
somebody. Well, why not talk to me? I

898
00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:39,180
to go talk to a friend. She's like,
well, you can tell me anything. I'm

899
00:41:39,220 --> 00:41:41,380
well, that's not true. She's like, I
swear to God, you can tell me anything

900
00:41:41,380 --> 00:41:42,339
want.

901
00:41:42,340 --> 00:41:45,020
I was like, all right, well, I recently
had sex with a woman, and she won't let

902
00:41:45,020 --> 00:41:46,020
me leave.

903
00:41:48,020 --> 00:41:49,020
So that ended.

904
00:41:49,660 --> 00:41:51,840
What is that with the leaving, ladies?
That one really hits a nerve with you

905
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:53,680
guys. Ladies, you want a guy to stay,
make him want to stay.

906
00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:56,280
Like, guys, we have pickup lines.
Ladies, you need to stay put lines.

907
00:41:57,259 --> 00:42:00,120
That's where you kick in. It's okay. I
approached you at a bar. I was nervous.

908
00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:02,760
was on my heels shucking and jiving. I
made it work. Now you want me to hang

909
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:03,760
out, so you do it.

910
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:05,600
Isn't that justice?

911
00:42:05,620 --> 00:42:07,820
She's like, well, you're not being that
fun right now. I'm like, I already did

912
00:42:07,820 --> 00:42:08,820
that. That's how I fucked you.

913
00:42:10,720 --> 00:42:14,160
But now you want me to stay, so you go.
It's just a shift change. That's all.

914
00:42:14,660 --> 00:42:15,578
Win me over.

915
00:42:15,580 --> 00:42:17,580
Charm me. Sweep me off my feet. You do
it.

916
00:42:18,260 --> 00:42:20,640
I don't get it. Girls are always like, I
want this guy to like me. You push your

917
00:42:20,640 --> 00:42:22,620
boobs together, wear high heels, you
look sexy as hell.

918
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:24,420
Then a guy texts you like, that's it?

919
00:42:24,940 --> 00:42:25,940
Well, that's what was advertised.

920
00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:28,120
It's very confusing. You tricked me.

921
00:42:28,760 --> 00:42:31,200
Your outfit's like a movie trailer. I'm
like, oh, I want to see that movie.

922
00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:33,520
I go see the movie, then I go home.

923
00:42:36,500 --> 00:42:39,200
I don't sit around going, I got to get
to know this theater.

924
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:45,180
And I'm not saying the theater sucks or
anything's wrong with it, it just wasn't

925
00:42:45,180 --> 00:42:46,180
advertised.

926
00:42:46,460 --> 00:42:49,580
Talk to me. I had a girl once, you can't
leave, you fucked me.

927
00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:52,200
Well, is this how you get people to hang
out with you?

928
00:42:53,939 --> 00:42:56,700
How about a conversation, anecdote,
knock -knock, something?

929
00:42:56,940 --> 00:42:59,000
Ladies, you do Kegels, tighten up those
stories.

930
00:43:01,140 --> 00:43:02,780
I don't even get why this is so
controversial.

931
00:43:03,140 --> 00:43:05,620
I'm just tired. I've been bringing the
heat all night. I've been playing the

932
00:43:05,620 --> 00:43:07,940
hits. I'm exhausted. I want to go. She
said, well, how could you be fake all

933
00:43:07,940 --> 00:43:09,700
night? I'm like, well, you faked it too.
You don't look like that. You're

934
00:43:09,700 --> 00:43:10,538
wearing makeup.

935
00:43:10,540 --> 00:43:13,760
We're both full of shit. Your eyes don't
go at the end or whatever.

936
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,860
We're both lying. I'm just wearing
makeup, my personality. That's all.

937
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:20,960
I don't know.

938
00:43:21,220 --> 00:43:23,220
Like, ladies, you know when you go out
to dinner with a guy, like, just because

939
00:43:23,220 --> 00:43:24,680
you bought me dinner doesn't mean I owe
you sex.

940
00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:27,340
And that's true. But just because you
let me have sex with you doesn't mean I

941
00:43:27,340 --> 00:43:28,340
owe you my morning.

942
00:43:29,500 --> 00:43:31,240
Right? It's the same exact transaction.

943
00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:33,680
Equality.

944
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:37,980
I don't know. That's why it's weird
women go, we're just as horny as men.

945
00:43:38,020 --> 00:43:40,500
maybe. We have a lot more requirements,
ladies. Quite a checklist.

946
00:43:40,860 --> 00:43:42,180
You're like the Goldilocks of dick.

947
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:45,680
This guy's too short. This guy's too
dumb. This guy's just right.

948
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:47,180
Guys, we'll fuck the porridge.

949
00:43:50,860 --> 00:43:53,000
And I'm not saying one is better or
worse, just different.

950
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:55,900
I go to the doctor, he's like, what
happened? I was like, it was too hot.

951
00:43:59,060 --> 00:44:03,000
But look, I get it. It's got to be tough
to be a lady. I feel like women are

952
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:04,160
getting screwed in the orgasm
department.

953
00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:07,340
I feel like men are having way more
orgasms than women, and that sucks.

954
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:10,440
People talk about the wage gap. The
orgasm gap is out of control.

955
00:44:11,380 --> 00:44:13,960
You gals are getting 77 cents to the
boner.

956
00:44:15,780 --> 00:44:19,340
Like, if a woman had to have an orgasm
to get pregnant, they'd be like, two

957
00:44:19,340 --> 00:44:20,340
people here.

958
00:44:22,370 --> 00:44:25,910
And you get nothing for your orgasm,
ladies. Like if a guy has an orgasm, go

959
00:44:25,910 --> 00:44:28,710
get pregnant. Carry a baby for nine
months. Deliver the baby, then

960
00:44:28,710 --> 00:44:30,050
the baby. And all the guy had to do was
this.

961
00:44:31,010 --> 00:44:35,570
And he tried really hard not to do that.

962
00:44:36,650 --> 00:44:39,310
It's a horrible setup with a woman. The
guy has all the fun, the girl has all

963
00:44:39,310 --> 00:44:42,210
the work. That'd be like if I ate a
whole chocolate cake and the girl gained

964
00:44:42,210 --> 00:44:44,530
weight, then she went to the gym and I
got puffed.

965
00:44:47,410 --> 00:44:48,410
Gotta be tough.

966
00:44:48,899 --> 00:44:51,840
Plus, women, constantly judged by your
looks. That's got to be exhausting.

967
00:44:52,060 --> 00:44:54,220
Constantly judged by your looks. But you
all know how to look good. You all look

968
00:44:54,220 --> 00:44:57,040
great. That's how women figured out to
take the selfie up here.

969
00:44:57,420 --> 00:44:59,780
That was all you, ladies. You know where
your good sight lines are.

970
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:03,360
I think that's why women like tall guys.
Just some guy looking at you from your

971
00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:05,600
best angle 100 % of the time all day
long.

972
00:45:06,100 --> 00:45:08,840
That's why you don't hook up with short
guys. Just some guy like, geez, look at

973
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:10,540
the triple chin on this broad. Holy
hell.

974
00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:15,480
Yeah, you like a tall man, ladies, and
that's okay.

975
00:45:16,010 --> 00:45:17,770
That's how you're wired. You're all a
bunch of height supremacists.

976
00:45:18,130 --> 00:45:22,290
That was always the first question back
on the dating apps. You over six feet?

977
00:45:22,390 --> 00:45:25,050
You over six feet? You over six feet? I
felt bad after a while. I felt like I

978
00:45:25,050 --> 00:45:27,570
had to come up with something. I was
like, well, no, but if it helps, I'm

979
00:45:27,570 --> 00:45:28,710
growing as a person.

980
00:45:30,830 --> 00:45:32,730
Eventually I got annoyed. One girl was
like, how much do you weigh?

981
00:45:32,950 --> 00:45:35,370
She was like, whoa, that's body shaming.
It's hard for me to lose weight.

982
00:45:35,790 --> 00:45:36,970
It's even harder for me to gain height.

983
00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:43,740
Plus, men are so visual. That's a lot of
pressure constantly. Men are so visual.

984
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:46,360
You never know what your guy's looking
at. My ex -girlfriend, very paranoid.

985
00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:49,120
Always going through my phone, sock
drawer, sniffing me. Always looking for

986
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:52,120
clues. That's why I'm surprised you
don't see more female detectives.

987
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:55,920
Ladies, you guys would be amazing at
that. You guys are intuitive. You're

988
00:45:55,920 --> 00:45:56,920
curious. You're persistent.

989
00:45:56,960 --> 00:45:59,540
I feel like you gals would crack every
case as long as you thought it was

990
00:45:59,540 --> 00:46:00,540
personal.

991
00:46:02,320 --> 00:46:05,900
That's the key. Like, man, this guy
killed 18 people in Fresno. So what?

992
00:46:05,900 --> 00:46:07,760
he's also cheating on your best friend.
Give me the file.

993
00:46:10,190 --> 00:46:11,510
Crack that case in an hour.

994
00:46:13,490 --> 00:46:16,570
Gotta be tough, ladies. Constantly
judged by your looks. Gotta be

995
00:46:16,810 --> 00:46:19,290
But somehow men get the blame for this.
Like, it's just men judging women, which

996
00:46:19,290 --> 00:46:22,110
we do. But ladies, you guys judge each
other quite harshly. You judge

997
00:46:22,110 --> 00:46:24,470
by your looks. You do stuff to your
looks men don't even care about.

998
00:46:24,690 --> 00:46:25,990
You get your nails done? Who's that for?

999
00:46:26,550 --> 00:46:27,550
We don't give a fuck.

1000
00:46:28,670 --> 00:46:31,630
All this jewelry and stuff. No guys have
ever been like, oh my God, see that

1001
00:46:31,630 --> 00:46:33,710
necklace Kelly was wearing? Holy hell,
ah.

1002
00:46:35,130 --> 00:46:36,190
That's all you. We don't care.

1003
00:46:36,910 --> 00:46:39,030
But it's always men. A friend of mine,
she got breast implants.

1004
00:46:39,310 --> 00:46:41,970
I was like, hey, they look great. She
goes, oh, man, so shallow.

1005
00:46:42,610 --> 00:46:45,130
I got these for me. I was like, okay,
well, then you're shallow.

1006
00:46:46,950 --> 00:46:49,830
Why is this on me all of a sudden? Look,
we're all shallow, all right? But

1007
00:46:49,830 --> 00:46:51,970
ladies, you can tell you're shallow by
what you get offended by.

1008
00:46:52,170 --> 00:46:54,310
A friend of mine, some guy called her
overweight. She flipped.

1009
00:46:54,530 --> 00:46:57,990
Started dieting every day just to spite
this guy. Started exercising just out of

1010
00:46:57,990 --> 00:47:01,050
anger. I bet if my friend got called
dumb, she wouldn't angrily go back to

1011
00:47:01,050 --> 00:47:02,050
college.

1012
00:47:02,270 --> 00:47:03,270
Interesting.

1013
00:47:03,390 --> 00:47:06,390
They say the C word is the worst thing
you can call a woman. I think it's fat.

1014
00:47:06,810 --> 00:47:07,810
What do you think, ladies?

1015
00:47:09,410 --> 00:47:10,570
C word is bad.

1016
00:47:10,830 --> 00:47:13,190
Shouldn't call a woman the C word. We
think fat is worse because it's visible.

1017
00:47:13,390 --> 00:47:14,390
The C word is an opinion.

1018
00:47:14,650 --> 00:47:17,270
That's why no woman ever looks in the
mirror in the morning and goes, ah, I

1019
00:47:17,270 --> 00:47:18,270
feel cunty today.

1020
00:47:19,210 --> 00:47:22,530
What do you think? Cunty? Just putting
off cuntiness?

1021
00:47:22,870 --> 00:47:23,848
I don't know.

1022
00:47:23,850 --> 00:47:26,870
You can measure fat at scale right
there. There's no unit of measurement

1023
00:47:26,870 --> 00:47:27,799
C word.

1024
00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:31,020
That'd be a great infomercial, though,
wouldn't it? I feel so much better after

1025
00:47:31,020 --> 00:47:32,440
I lost 13 cuntometers.

1026
00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:39,760
But that's the thing, ladies. I feel
like you gals get so down about your

1027
00:47:39,780 --> 00:47:42,120
but you can do so many amazing things
you never really brag about.

1028
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:44,240
Let's go through a list of stuff women
can do that's unbelievable.

1029
00:47:44,720 --> 00:47:45,820
First of all, you can make people.

1030
00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:50,300
That's insane. People are coming out of
you alive.

1031
00:47:51,880 --> 00:47:53,140
You'd be bragging about that constantly.

1032
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:55,020
I know men will take a photo of a good
shit.

1033
00:47:58,610 --> 00:47:59,830
You're making human beings!

1034
00:48:01,090 --> 00:48:04,050
How annoying would men be if they could
make people? I made him, him, him, him.

1035
00:48:04,090 --> 00:48:05,890
Men name kids after them, they didn't
even do anything.

1036
00:48:06,130 --> 00:48:07,130
That's Jimmy Jr.

1037
00:48:07,250 --> 00:48:08,990
Oh yeah, what'd you do? I came.

1038
00:48:10,990 --> 00:48:12,850
She didn't. I gotta do everything around
here.

1039
00:48:15,470 --> 00:48:17,470
Ladies, you can feed people. That's
bananas.

1040
00:48:17,730 --> 00:48:20,670
You got grade A, vitamin D, organic milk
on tap.

1041
00:48:21,970 --> 00:48:23,530
What, you got a cup of coffee? Right
here.

1042
00:48:24,730 --> 00:48:25,709
Bowl of cereal?

1043
00:48:25,710 --> 00:48:26,710
I got you.

1044
00:48:27,180 --> 00:48:28,180
You're a fucking dairy.

1045
00:48:28,920 --> 00:48:31,740
I know a girl, she's lactose intolerant,
still producing milk.

1046
00:48:32,340 --> 00:48:33,920
She's making something she can't even
tolerate.

1047
00:48:37,140 --> 00:48:38,480
Much like my mom did with me.

1048
00:48:40,660 --> 00:48:43,780
Ladies, you live longer than men and you
have a higher threshold for pain than

1049
00:48:43,780 --> 00:48:45,420
men. On paper, you're like a superhero.

1050
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:47,480
On paper.

1051
00:48:48,820 --> 00:48:51,520
But that's the thing. You ladies are so
incredible. You're such amazing beings,

1052
00:48:51,640 --> 00:48:53,700
yet you're some of the most insecure
people I've ever met. It's always about

1053
00:48:53,700 --> 00:48:55,780
looks. Do I look good in this to turn
you on? You like that? Do I look fat in

1054
00:48:55,780 --> 00:48:56,780
this to swing forward? What about this?

1055
00:48:57,320 --> 00:48:58,320
What are you kidding? You're a woman.

1056
00:48:58,500 --> 00:48:59,259
Own it.

1057
00:48:59,260 --> 00:49:01,160
If I was a woman, I'd be the cockiest
bitch on the planet.

1058
00:49:02,680 --> 00:49:03,680
What do you have, a paper cut?

1059
00:49:04,900 --> 00:49:06,040
I've been bleeding for three days.

1060
00:49:07,760 --> 00:49:08,940
This fucking guy, huh?

1061
00:49:09,540 --> 00:49:11,480
What else you got? Oh, you cut yourself
shaving?

1062
00:49:11,700 --> 00:49:14,080
Oh. Last week, an immigrant waxed my
taint.

1063
00:49:17,529 --> 00:49:18,910
What's that? You push out a kidney
stone?

1064
00:49:19,170 --> 00:49:21,390
Ooh, I pushed out a Little League
player. How do you like that?

1065
00:49:21,910 --> 00:49:23,070
Now give me those Froot Loops.

1066
00:49:23,690 --> 00:49:29,690
But one of the most amazing things about
women, the thing you get no credit for,

1067
00:49:29,730 --> 00:49:32,810
ladies, the most unbelievable,
impressive thing is your ability to hide

1068
00:49:32,810 --> 00:49:35,110
everything. Everything is a goddamn
secret.

1069
00:49:35,490 --> 00:49:36,490
You're all in the CIA.

1070
00:49:36,950 --> 00:49:39,130
You have the real you, then you let us
see.

1071
00:49:40,090 --> 00:49:41,210
We'll go with menstruation.

1072
00:49:41,430 --> 00:49:42,430
Pretty big deal.

1073
00:49:42,630 --> 00:49:43,630
Let's start there.

1074
00:49:43,750 --> 00:49:45,030
You hide it pretty goddamn well.

1075
00:49:45,710 --> 00:49:46,668
Men are...

1076
00:49:46,669 --> 00:49:47,669
Clueless. We have to guess.

1077
00:49:48,990 --> 00:49:50,430
Is that time of the month? What do you
think?

1078
00:49:51,370 --> 00:49:52,490
Time of the month? Does she act weird?

1079
00:49:52,690 --> 00:49:56,030
You realize if men got their period,
there'd be blood everywhere on the

1080
00:49:56,090 --> 00:49:57,090
the sidewalk, everywhere.

1081
00:49:57,710 --> 00:50:01,510
Everywhere. Just guys walking to work.
Ah, fucking uterine lining. Jesus

1082
00:50:02,350 --> 00:50:03,930
Holy hell. God damn it.

1083
00:50:04,310 --> 00:50:06,910
Give me one of those masculine napkins.
Thank you. Yeah.

1084
00:50:07,810 --> 00:50:09,910
You too, huh, Jeff? Guess we're synced
up.

1085
00:50:10,110 --> 00:50:11,610
Yeah, there we go. All right.

1086
00:50:12,090 --> 00:50:13,090
Here we go.

1087
00:50:13,930 --> 00:50:16,070
Says don't flush it, but... Fuck it.

1088
00:50:18,670 --> 00:50:19,670
It's all hidden.

1089
00:50:20,090 --> 00:50:21,090
Everything's hidden.

1090
00:50:21,590 --> 00:50:24,170
I used to work in an office in midtown
Manhattan. I was the only guy on the

1091
00:50:24,170 --> 00:50:26,770
floor. It was me and like a hundred
women. I never heard one fart, not a

1092
00:50:26,830 --> 00:50:27,830
not a queef, nothing.

1093
00:50:29,210 --> 00:50:30,210
Nothing.

1094
00:50:30,350 --> 00:50:32,330
Sometimes on Friday I'd bring in chili
and just wait.

1095
00:50:34,670 --> 00:50:36,810
Nothing. I farted up here eight times
tonight.

1096
00:50:39,230 --> 00:50:43,130
I walked in on one woman once, once
taking a shit. It was like I walked in

1097
00:50:43,130 --> 00:50:44,970
murder scene. She was like, get the fuck
out!

1098
00:50:47,569 --> 00:50:49,230
Take it easy. You're allowed to shit.

1099
00:50:49,810 --> 00:50:51,830
I'm the opposite. You walk into me,
shit. I'm like, hey, what'd you bring?

1100
00:50:54,470 --> 00:50:57,690
Nothing. You're giving us nothing,
ladies. All your sexual stuff, that's

1101
00:50:57,690 --> 00:51:00,970
under wraps. Very hush -hush. Men walk
around, I'm an ass man. I'm a boob man.

1102
00:51:01,050 --> 00:51:02,790
You ever see a woman go, I'm a ball gal.
Yeah.

1103
00:51:03,990 --> 00:51:05,370
I love that sack.

1104
00:51:07,310 --> 00:51:08,310
Nothing.

1105
00:51:08,530 --> 00:51:10,770
You're giving us nothing. Then you want
us to know how you're feeling and stuff.

1106
00:51:11,050 --> 00:51:12,130
What are you kidding? We're in the dark.

1107
00:51:12,700 --> 00:51:16,140
Sometimes I'll read a Cosmo, a woman's
magazine. Just get some inside dirt.

1108
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:19,240
One time I was reading a Cosmo. There
was a full -page article on how to go

1109
00:51:19,240 --> 00:51:20,240
on a woman properly.

1110
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:22,920
It's like, this should be in, like, Guns
and Ammo or Field and Stream.

1111
00:51:24,140 --> 00:51:26,080
Sports Illustrated. We want to please.

1112
00:51:26,740 --> 00:51:29,820
God damn it. You got fake eyelashes,
hair extensions, Spanx foundation.

1113
00:51:30,200 --> 00:51:32,580
You should know what I'm thinking. I
don't even know what you fucking look

1114
00:51:35,549 --> 00:51:37,870
That's why it's weird when a woman's
like, you want to have sex with me? You

1115
00:51:37,870 --> 00:51:40,290
to get to know me first. Get to know
you. You're wearing three pounds of

1116
00:51:40,290 --> 00:51:42,450
jewelry, clown makeup, and a hole in the
fart for four weeks.

1117
00:51:44,150 --> 00:51:45,350
I don't know who the hell you are.

1118
00:51:46,730 --> 00:51:48,390
That's why it's so important to have
sex.

1119
00:51:48,690 --> 00:51:51,430
It's not because we're horny psycho
animals. We are, but it's important

1120
00:51:51,430 --> 00:51:53,910
you finally see behind the curtain for
the first time, and it's glorious.

1121
00:51:54,550 --> 00:51:58,130
Ladies, your hair is messed up. You're
naked, yelling out filthy obscenities.

1122
00:51:58,550 --> 00:51:59,550
Like, damn, who's this?

1123
00:52:00,620 --> 00:52:03,380
Your friend calls, hey, it took a month,
but you banged Sarah. How was it?

1124
00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:04,600
Great. I finally met her.

1125
00:52:06,440 --> 00:52:09,100
He's like, oh, man, all right, well,
come over. We'll talk about it. I'm

1126
00:52:09,100 --> 00:52:10,100
can't. She won't let me leave.

1127
00:52:11,140 --> 00:52:12,620
Thanks a lot. I'm Kevin Hart.

1128
00:52:12,840 --> 00:52:14,880
You guys were great. What a crowd.

1129
00:52:15,220 --> 00:52:19,080
Thank you so much for coming out. I
appreciate it. Praise Allah.

1130
00:52:19,560 --> 00:52:20,560
Get home safe.

1131
00:52:20,860 --> 00:52:21,799
I'm gay.

1132
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:25,260
Thank you. Have a good night. Sweep it
up. LA, I love you.